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Many parents recognize that their teen has a problem with anger management. They feel their teen needs to develop anger management skills, or needs to find some kind of anger management counseling that will help them get along better in life — in school, at work, with a parent, with siblings, and others. In some cases, professionals may have diagnosed a teenager with a “conduct disorder”, or “oppositional defiant disorder” beginning in adolescence. This site is to help parents be aware of specific warning signs that may indicate if a teenager has an anger management problem more significant than what is to normally be expected.
Types of Anger
The natural response to fear is to fight it or avoid it. When confronted with fear, animals and humans both go into “fight or flight”, “violence or silence”, or “gun or run”. They engage in the conflict, or they withdraw. Though many parents may equate “adolescent anger management” with the “fight-violence-gun,” uncontrollable rage, parents must also recognize that anger may be “turned inwards” in the “flight-silence-run” mode, which can often times be as dangerous, if not more so, than expressed anger.
The author of this information is a therapist at a program for struggling teens. As a therapist working at a youth program, he has learned, observed and verified the following trends. Generally, anger falls into three main categories: 1) Fight, 2) Flight, or 3) Pretend to be “Flighting”, while finding indirect ways to Fight. Most teens with anger management problems will go to either extreme of fight or flight. They tend to become aggressive, mean, and hostile, or they withdraw into themselves and become extremely silent, silently stubborn, and depressed.
“The Fighters”: Teen Anger Turned to Aggression
“The fighters” are pretty simple to recognize. They are aggressive. Many times, the characteristics of teens with anger management problems are included in the professional diagnosis for “Conduct Disorder” or an “Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)”. Some of the warning signs in the following list are taken from the criteria for professional diagnosis (click here for more information). Others are additional common signs of anger management problems for teens that are “fighters”.
* Openly and often defiant of requests
* Often demeans or swears directly to parent or others in authority positions
* Has left holes in walls and doors from violent outbursts
* Loud and yelling
* Frequently vocalizes anger
* Makes threats
* Seems to have “emotional diarrhea”, and “lets it all out, all the time”
Furious temper.
* Uncontrollable fits of rage (usually these “teenage temper tantrums” are used as threats to get their way)
Difficulty accepting a “No” answer
* Does not follow rules
* Often feels rules are “stupid”, or don’t apply
* Destroys property
* Physically cruel to animals
* Physically cruel to people
* Initiates fights with others
* Seriously violates rules (at home, in school, or society in general)
This list does not list every possible warning sign for the “fighters”. The teen “Fighters” have anger management problems when the problems are creating an unsafe situation for themselves, for others, or for property around them. If animals and/or people are the focus of the anger and aggression, the problem is extremely critical to address. Teens who have abused animals or people as children, or as teens, are at a higher risk of becoming a threat to society than those who have not. Where these warning signs seem to be a part of daily life, intervention is strongly suggested. Intervention can be through anger management counseling, an anger management program, or a program dedicated and experienced in working with teenagers with anger management problems.
“The ‘Flighters’”: Teen Anger Turned to Passive Responses
The “Flighters” can also be fairly simple to recognize. They are passive. They do not fight back when confronted. Many of their characteristics may coincide with the diagnosis of depression. Some of these warning signs are taken from the professional diagnosis for depression, and others are taken from learning, observations and experience.
* Tends to spend a lot of time alone
* Seems to hold anger in
* Seems depressed
* Has difficulty expressing emotions
* Seems to have very little emotion
* Seems withdrawn
* Extremely passive, to the point of getting “walked over” by others
* May simply “go along” with whatever, even when it is a poor decision
* Does not engage in much conversation
* May blame self unnecessarily
* Deals with difficult emotions by “cutting” the emotions off
* Holds anger in, then “blows up” suddenly and violently
* May punch holes in walls or kick doors, when “the last straw drops”
May be seen as a “loner”
* May have few friends
* Seems “emotionally constipated”
* Physical problems may include upset stomach, muscle aches, backaches, frequent headaches, or other physical symptoms from “holding it in”.
The “flighters” are in danger of destroying themselves emotionally from within. The “flighters” are like a balloon being constantly blown into, with no release valve. When they explode, their anger may be violent, and may lead to harming themselves, harming others, or destroying property. Internalized anger is potentially as destructive to a teenager as aggressive anger.
“The Pretenders”: Teen Anger Silently Planning Revenge
Perhaps the most difficult to detect, the “Pretenders” follow an anger style that seems to be calm on the surface, but is raging, scheming, and planning underneath. They are passive-aggressive. In its mild form, this is the upset waiter who goes in the back room and spits in the demanding client’s soup. In its extreme form, these are the teen gunmen of Columbine and other school shootings. These teens do not directly confront the anger as a “Fighter” would do. They will be passive and appear to accept what is said, and then will disregard what is said to do their own thing. They are sneaky. Often, they may be unnoticed. While they are giving a person a hug, they are also stabbing them in the back. They lack the courage to be direct, and perfect the skills to be deceitful. They know where the “back door” to revenge is, and will use it often.
They will give the appearance of a “Flighter”. The list of “flighter” characteristics also applies to them. Additional items to look for with “Pretenders” are on the following list.
* Sneaky behaviors
* Tends to sabotage
* Often gets caught in lies
* Inconsistency between what is said and what is done
* May be very good at blaming others
* May not admit mistakes
* Tends to avoid direct conflict, while creating problems in other areas
These warning signs are a few to look for the “Pretenders”. Teens who try to manage their anger through the “Pretender” style are as potentially dangerous to others and themselves as the other style. Parents cannot underestimate the “Pretender” style because the danger does not seem to be that of the aggressive “Fighter”.
Conclusion
Many parents recognize that their teen has a problem with anger management. They know their teen needs to develop anger management skills, or needs to find some kind of anger management counseling that will help them get along better in life — in school, at work, with a parent, with siblings, and other. As has been shown, anger comes in three main styles — Fighter, Flighter, and Pretender — and each style has the potential to create big problems for the teen, families, and society in general. This site has offered specific warning signs that may indicate if a teenager has an anger management problem more significant than what is to normally be expected. When necessary, professional and competent intervention is recommended.
