http://www.womansdivorce.com/ending-a-marriage.html
womansdivorce.com
by Marsha Lee Hudgens, author of “Good People Bad Marriages” and the ebook “Good People Bad Marriages Revised 2008

Ending a marriage is never easy, but sometimes it is for the best. While it may seem like a snap decision to some of the people around you, the thought and consideration that goes into the decision often goes on for quite some time. This contemplation stage can give you time to mentally work through the various emotions of dealing with a dead end marriage, as pointed out by the following discussion.

DECIDING TO END IT

The toughest thing about a relationship could potentially be knowing when and how to end it. You committed to it believing it would never end. Realizing it must requires a complete reversal of a genuine, well rooted, belief. You trusted your feelings. You had faith in your relationship, faith in your partner, and faith in your ability as a couple to withstand anything life threw at you. You may have solidified it with children and property. Reality’s erosive tremors, big and small, destabilized your faith gradually, over years of time. When you finally admit that not much of what you believed about your feelings, your partner and your relationship was true, what will you do? Some people live in the ruins of a bad relationship longer than others. Some die in it.

How do people decide finally to get out? Step by step. How many steps it takes depends on the person taking them. Even severely abused partners go back an average of six times and try again. There is no shortcut to the end, no ten ways to tell when to give up and get out, no fail proof formula that fits all. People who finally leave, even if it seems sudden, have probably left in every way except physically many times and in many ways before the final exit.

We don’t talk about it much before we do it, because talking about it produces expectations from the audience that we don’t want to produce. “I thought you were leaving. Are you still going to leave? When are you leaving?” We can’t always answer those questions definitively. If we talk about it we run the risk of it getting out before we’re ready to announce it, then someone might ask, “Is everything okay between you and …?” We’re not ready for that either. And what could they do if they knew?

We don’t want to go to a counselor because we’re past having faith in our partner’s promise to try and we don’t care anymore whether it works or not. We don’t care whose fault it is. We just want to know what it’s like to be free of the dreadfulness our relationship has become.

We take responsibility for our mistakes, and forgive others for theirs, but know that that doesn’t mean we have to live with them. We consider our options, what we’re willing to sacrifice to gain freedom. We work out the details unselfishly, usually privately, with determination and patience so that those who are affected will be hurt as little as possible. We make decisions carefully considering the consequences of each one. We resolve to avoid adding mistakes to mistakes, and forming new intimate relationships until our emotions have stabilized and our families have adjusted to the change. We weigh advice carefully and look for the motives behind it.

There is no time limit on how long it takes to decide. You can change your mind however many times you need to. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean you’re weak and indecisive. It means doing the right thing matters to you. When you are ready, you will know.

http://www.leadership-and-motivation-training.com/healthy-relationships.html
leadership-and-motivation-training.com

Healthy Relationships – Key Messages:

* Without strong, healthy relationships life is meaningless
* Relationships enable you to learn all you need to know about yourself
* People often mirror to you, your greatest insights
* Assume responsibility for your part in the relationship

Who did you call when you heard about 9/11 – your stockbroker, your banker or someone who has significance in your life? At the final count, what makes for a significant life are the relationships you have. It is not how much money you have, nor how many possessions you have accumulated. It is the quality and depth of love that you surround yourself with, (both in and outside of work).

Just as strong, healthy relationships are the foundation of any great life; strong, healthy relationships are the foundation upon which any great organization is built. Your ability to lead well is directly proportional to your ability to establish strong and healthy relationships. And yet, you probably have had at least one relationship which has been challenging – an unhealthy relationship, that you’d rather not have experienced. Is there a reason for challenging relationships?
Relationships are our great mastery university.

Relationships help you to discover all you need to know about yourself, they give you the opportunity to discover your soul’s purpose: to move beyond ego-driven, personality games and to become more connected with your higher potential. Relationships can cause you to be at your greatest and they can cause you to be at your most base.

Your daily relationships are the vehicle through which your potential has the most opportunity to be discovered and where your greatest soul growth opportunities reside. It is true that the relationship you have with yourself is where your most significant learning begins and ends, but it is the relationships you have with others where your most significant learning arises.

Sitting on a side of a mountain chanting ‘ohm’ can be a path to spiritual growth – possibly a very slow path. However interacting each and every day with a multitude of people ensures that you are constantly growing and learning, personally and spiritually .

The true role of any relationship that you have, work, family, partner, is to awaken within each other your potential. Now awakening potential is not always plain sailing. Your relationships, on a spiritual level, are designed to stimulate within you the very fears that you need to face.

For example if your soul needs to learn how to be forgiving or patient or how to not be a victim, you are going to attract to you relationships that will help you learn these lessons. You will attract someone that will do something that you need to forgive, you will attract someone that will drive you to distraction and so that you can learn to be patient, you will attract someone that will victimise you so you have the opportunity to learn to find your voice.
People Often Mirror To You, Your Greatest Insights

Instead of seeing a person as a challenge, someone you’d rather not be around, you could see that person as a gift from the universe. Someone who is going to help you learn and improve as an individual and as a leader.

The person that you struggle with may well be showing you (through the lens of a reflective mirror) something:

* you are denying about yourself, or
* you don’t like about yourself, or
* that you fear, or
* that violates one of the rules in your internal rule book.

For example, say there’s a person in your team that you struggle with because you find them to be dominating. The “Dominating Mirror” could be reflecting:

* a dominating streak you sometimes exhibit (and don’t like about) yourself, or
* your desire that you could be more assertive rather than being a doormat, or
* that you don’t believe you are worthy of being heard
* that you judge people who “dominate conversations”, as poor communicators and leaders

Strong, healthy relationship flourish with self-discovery

People often blame the other person for the way they are feeling and the state of the relationship. In truth, the other person may well need to modify his/her behaviour. However, if you are focused on living a significant life through strong, healthy relationships and being your best, then assume responsibility for changing the way you react to the other person and his/her way of behaving. You will establish strong, healthy relationships with others when you:

1. Establish what you want from that relationship and that person

2. Go within to discover what it is this person and this relationship could be teaching you and how you could see that person as one of your spiritual teachers

3. Seek out the gift that may be available to you and the other person when you are going through a challenging time

4. Change what you have been doing, how you have been reacting

5. Spend the time building, nurturing and respecting your relationships

Every great leader is a master at building strong, healthy relationships. However, strong, healthy relationships begin with self-discovery. If you haven’t got someone mentoring you to help you on your self-discovery journey then get one now! It is the quickest and best way to high performance and releasing the potential of your soul!

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2442-SF-Marriage-and-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m3d10-Poor-selfesteem-relationships-and-tips
examiner.com
Lisa Brookes Kift

What does self-esteem have to do with relationships?  A lot.

Following on the heels of my post Rihanna and Chris Brown – Spotlight on Domestic Violence, I wanted to talk a little bit about the importance of how we view ourselves in how it relates to our relationships.

People who don’t feel good inside can either get in a pattern of abusive relationships – or create a climate in their relationships where their partners never feel they can do enough to prove to them they love them.  The irony is that if the person with low-self esteem’s deepest fear is that their partner will leave them – their behavior can eventually push their partner away and make this a reality.

Working on self-esteem issues not only can improve your internal quality of life – but your relationship.  If you believe you deserve to be loved, then you will be more open to receiving love. (See Receiving Love…)

The following are a few tips to begin the work of battling a low self-esteem:

* Avoid minimizing what you do.  Take credit for your accomplishments.
* Stay away from toxic people who fuel your insecurity.
* Rather than punish yourself for mistakes, figure out what you can learn that might help you in the future.
* Learn self-talk skills to use when you are triggered to feeling badly.  Watch out for cognitive distortions such as assuming and mind reading.  Ask yourself, “What is the evidence to support my belief in this moment?  Is there any?”

http://www.topsynergy.com/relationships_articles/0010.asp
topsynergy.com
By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

We are all basically treasure hunters, searching for the secret to happiness in relationships. Usually, we believe the treasure is buried outside ourselves, perhaps in the perfect person, or in skills, techniques or tools we acquire. Due to our constant searching, we often do not see what is right in front of our eyes. We are not in touch with who our partner is right now, what they really want from us or how to respond.

Value-Centered Relationships turns all this around. It focuses upon simple, eternal truths that become the pillar of our relationships. Value-Centered Relationships by passes the illusions that grip us and cause our relationships to become a source of disappointment rather than delight. Like vitamins and minerals, these basic truths have the power to nourish our lives and make all things fulfilled. Some basic principles follow:

Stop Struggling To Get

Rather than struggle to “get what we want” from our partners, and then “get more of it”, we see what we can give. The question here is, what does my partner want and need of me? Can I give it to him/her? Why not? Rather than wait to be given to, we open our hands and fulfill their need.

When our thoughts are primarily absorbed with what we are needing, and what others are thinking of us, we live in a prison without bars. Any real or imagined insult can become the cause of great pain, causing us to withdraw. Any perceived failure invites underlying feelings of worthlessness to emerge, producing additional depression, hostility and stress.

Let Go of Resentment

Rather than dwell upon all the wrongs that have taken place, hold grudges and withhold, we learn to let go. The question before us always is: What am I focusing on this moment? Where is my attention, right now? Is it upon what I lack, or the pains and wrongs others have done me, or is my attention upon what I have received? Can I choose to let go of anger and disappointment and work towards understanding?

Let The Past Be The Past

So many of us live in the past, remembering how things used to be, or repeating old scenarios. This keeps us out of touch with the ever expanding, amazing present, where everything is fresh and possible. The question to ask here is, where am I at this moment? What is happening right now? How I am called to respond?

Reality continually renews and confronts us with new tasks, relationships, challenges, and opportunities, day after day. Are we in touch with this ever-flowing reality?

By taking our attention off our toxic inner dialogue, and focusing upon what is before us, right now, we directly interfere with the habitual patterns that are the very cause of our disappointments and suffering.

Put Your Focus Upon Daily Actions

In Value-Centered Relationships, we begin by putting our focus upon simple daily actions and do them whole-heartedly. We ask ourselves, what is needed in the relationship? What can I do to make it better? When I need something I am not receiving from my partner, can I give it to myself?

Don’t Give Passing Emotions Center Stage

Passing emotions do not take center stage. When our actions are guided by temporary reactions, our relationships fluctuate all over the place. When we are driven by self-centered concerns, we never find the fulfillment we crave. When we understand the larger purpose of our relationship, things become simple and clear.

As we learn to value each action (no matter how small or large) and to do it whole-heartedly with complete attention, things simplify. We do not dwell upon the outcome. Our joy and satisfaction comes from doing each action with a whole heart and mind. Results and consequences take care of themselves. When we are not absorbed by concern for outcomes, how much anxiety can we ever have?

http://www.untaming.com/archive2.html
www.untaming.com
David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

This article is copyrighted 1997 and may not be reproduced in whole or part without the express permission of Celeritous Dancer, Chtd.

The only skills I knew when I was born were how to suckle and poop.  So far I haven’t found much use for either of these in my adult relationships.

On my computer I have installed some of the finest software to make my computer run faster, smoother, safer and with fewer crashes.  The reality of these additions is I now have icons on my screen hauntingly reminding me that I haven’t got much more than a clue about how to make them work. People often desire to upgrade or improve the quality of how their partner relates with them.  Often a couple or person enters therapy with the notion that if their partner would improve then things in the relationship would become excellent.  It is as though the person wants the therapist to install some sort of fancy software in the other person and then reboot the whole system.

The trouble with any upgrade or new program is each creates a new piece of learning or skill development which has to be mastered.  Manuals have to be read, options explored and procedures experimented with.  Only if the consumer is willing to put in the time and energy to build knew skills and knowledge is the upgrade worth its original expense.

The same phenomenon occurs in how we relate to our partners.  Each improvement desired requires the “user” to become skilled and proficient in new ways.  Yet in therapy I rarely hear a client say “upgrade me” so they can become capable of maximizing the potential of their primary relationship.

Many people approach how they relate in their primary partnership as though the skills are automatic.  Any failure, or most failures, are seen as the other person’s fault.  On the occasion when a person does admit to a personal lack it is often brushed away by saying “this is who I am”.  However, we aren’t born knowing how to master the intricacies of relating to another person.  For most of us it took almost all of the first grade to learn the alphabet, a few spelling rules and how to add and subtract. After 5 hours a day, 5 days a week of endless repetition we finally mastered these minimal basics.  Then summer came and we took 3 months off.  Our poor second grade teacher spent the entire first month retraining us in skills we thought we had mastered.  Sadly, few adults are willing to even consider spending 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, learning to communicate with their primary partner.  No wonder after 10 or more years together many couples still feel as if their relationship is in the second grade.

The first step in learning to relate optimally and in learning to protect our partners is to be willing to upgrade ourselves.  When you seek to improve the quality of your life together then I would suggest you begin with a rigorous and honest self evaluation.  This evaluation can begin by utilizing the following six questions.

1)  What skills do you need to learn in order to become a more effective partner?

This step involves figuring out what skills you lack in order to make the most of your relationship.  This can include a wide range of things.  For instance, do you even speak, yet alone understand, the language of your partner.  If you tend to speak in a language of feelings and your partner speaks in a language of analysis are you proficient in speaking from their cognitive perspective?  Do you know how to respect and value the usefulness of their language and thought pattern?  Other skill areas can include do you know how to touch your partner in ways they like being touched, or listen to them in ways they find attentive. You can form your own list, often based on complaints you have heard a thousand times in a thousand ways as your partner struggled to communicate with you.

2)  What skills do you already have which need further development in order to be optimally useful?

Many basic skills for relating and communicating are already known by most people.  However, if you know how to listen but can’t do it for more than 2-5 minutes consecutively then this skill is underdeveloped. If you know how to be intimate, providing it doesn’t last too long or get too intense, then your intimacy skills need some work. Frequently people come to therapy complaining that they have already tried listening, touching, caring, or whatever and that none of these accomplished what they wanted.  On inquiry it becomes clear that they tried each of these 3 or 4 times for about 1-3 minutes each and when they weren’t met with an awesome response the person gave up.  Upgrade your skills.

3)  What habits do you have which interfere with the quality of how you and your partner relate?

Most of us have through the years acquired a variety of habits.  Some of these will be conscious and others non-conscious and many are useful. Fortunately most of us can drive by habit.  Each time we enter our car it isn’t some new adventure. Along with useful habits we often have ones which don’t work well in our primary relationship. When I got married I had a basic non-conscious habit of shedding my shoes and socks as I entered the house leaving a trail, like breadcrumbs in Hansel and Gretel, by which one could track my sojourn from the door to the bedroom.  For the rest of the night I would agilely step over and around them never conscious they were there.  I found this skill useful as a bachelor.  However, my partner was unimpressed with this physical prowess.  The reduction in tension was amazing when I learned the strange skill of carrying them into the closet.

Now the socks thing was easy. A little motivation and a few weeks of practice and the whole thing was fixed.  A more complicated example has to do with a tone of voice I used to use when I was scared or anxious. The tone, which I was unaware of, had a quality which devastated my partner.  When she heard that tone she believed I was saying she was “the stupidest human being on the face of the earth”.  When I finally acknowledged this as a problem, several years after she first complained, it took three diligent years to break the old habit and learn a new set of skills.  First, I had to learn to hear that particular tone.  Second, I had to learn how to stop it.  Then I needed a replacement tone.  Finally, I needed new ways to deal with feeling scared or anxious.

This last example lends itself well to the next three questions:

4) Are you willing to commit the time necessary to master upgrading how you relate?

Some tasks we can learn quickly.  Others, like learning to master language patterns or listening skills take time.  If you are serious about learning to relate better and to provide protection to your partner I would suggest you are going to have to find time.  This often turns people off because they believe they don’t have time available or that they are too tired from their day.  Odd though, because is softball season starts, or the garden is ready to plant, or the snow has cleared from the golf course many people suddenly have time. You can tell what matters to a person by how they spend their time.  Based on the time you spend how important does your partner feel?  And how much would they believe you are sincerely interested in improving the quality of how you relate?  Upgrading your skills will require time consuming practice and study.

5)  Are you willing to exert the sacrifice and self discipline necessary to accomplish learning?

Learning takes effort.  How many years of practice did it take you to you to go from learning to count to being able to do algebra or geometry? Most of us practiced 9-12 years or more.  Do you find your partner less complicated than math?  I doubt it.  Practice, practice and more practice.

Second, learning takes instruction.  For most of the skills any of us have mastered we have had teachers, books, videos, friends or mentors to teach us.  Frequently we required a combination of several of these. So, in learning to relate better it would be logical that you will require the same. Do you have teachers? Are you reading books or watching videos?  Are you learning from friends (who know how to relate well)?

6) Will you suspend your ego often  enough and long enough to allow your relationship to flourish?

Perhaps Nelson Zink put it best in his book Structure of Delight when he wrote something to the effect of “….would you rather be happy or right…?”. Winning in relationships means either both persons win or both persons lose.  All to often I hear fights where each person eventually turns to me expecting I will declare one or the other “right”!  This is a losing proposition, for if one is right then both will lose. It is critical for you to learn to find what is valuable and useful in everything your partner presents and to reinforce and celebrate this.  To do so requires suspending your own desire to win or be right and allow room for both of you to contribute, succeed and flourish.

This six question inventory can provide you with a starting place to learning to upgrade your relationship.  Approximately December 27th the next article will appear on Friend, Stranger or Enemy?  This article will build on the fact that between adults there is no such thing as unconditional love.