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Safety in Relationships:A Guide for Teens

December 15th, 2009

http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/safety_in_relat.html
youngwomenshealth.org

During your teen years, you will have relationships with a lot of people. These relationships will probably include friendships and dating relationships. Most of the time, these relationships are fun, exciting, and healthy, and they make us feel good about ourselves. Sometimes, however, these relationships can be unhealthy and can be harmful to you or other people involved. Unhealthy relationships can be risky because someone can get hurt physically or emotionally. This information guide was created to help you to understand the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship and to learn ways to change a bad situation.

What is a healthy relationship?

In healthy relationships, you and your friend or the person you are dating feel good about each other and yourselves. You do activities together, like going to movies or out with other friends, and you talk to one another about how you are feeling about each other. These relationships can last a few weeks, a few months, or even many years. Healthy relationships are fun for both people!

In healthy relationships, there is respect and honesty between both people. This means that you listen to each other’s thoughts and opinions and accept each other’s right to say no or to change your mind without giving each other a hard time. Communication is also important in healthy relationships. You should be able to let the other person know how you are feeling. You might disagree or argue sometimes, but in healthy relationships you should be able to talk things out together to reach a compromise that works for both of you.

My friend gets mad if I hang out with other people, what should I do?

Be honest and stick to your decision. Tell your friend you like spending time with him or her but that you also want to spend time with other friends and family. Whether you are in a close friendship or a dating relationship, it is important for both of you to stay involved with the activities and interests you enjoyed before you became close. In a healthy relationship, you both need time to hang out with other friends as well as time for yourselves.

What are risky or unhealthy relationships?

In a risky or unhealthy relationship, you usually feel the exact opposite of how you feel when you’re in a “healthy relationship.” You and your friend do not usually feel good about each other and yourselves. Not all unhealthy relationships are abusive but sometimes they can include violence or abuse—verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual. This can involve both people being violent or abusive toward each other or can involve only one person doing this to the other. Many times, a relationship is not unhealthy in the very beginning, but over time abusive behavior might show. You may feel afraid or pressured to do something that you don’t want to do. If you have a feeling that your relationship is unhealthy, you are probably right!

What are the signs that I am in an abusive or unhealthy relationship?

There are many signs that you could be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Take a look at this list of “warning signs” and see if these statements describe your relationship:

Your friend or the person you are going out with:

* is jealous or possessive of you—he or she gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or people of the opposite sex
* bosses you around, makes all the decisions, tells you what to do
* tells you what to wear, who to talk to, where you can go
* is violent to other people, gets in fights a lot, loses his/her temper a lot
* pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don’t want to do
* uses drugs and alcohol and tries to pressure you into doing the same thing
* swears at you or uses mean language
* blames you for his or her problems, tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you
* insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people
* has physically hurt you
* makes you feel scared of their reactions to things
* calls to check up on you all the time and wants to always know where you are going and who you are with

These are just a few of the signs that you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Sometimes there are only one or two “warning signs” and sometimes there are many. If any of these statements are true for your relationship, you should speak to a trusted adult such as a parent, teacher, doctor, nurse, or counselor right away!

What is abuse?

An abusive relationship may include any of the signs listed above. Some teens and adults think that their relationship isn’t abusive unless there is physical fighting. But did you know that there are other types of abuse? Below is a list of different types of abuse which can affect your friendships or dating relationships:

* Physical Abuse – is when a person touches your body in an unwanted or violent way. This may include hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, pulling hair, pushing, biting, choking, or using a weapon on you. The weapon could be a gun or knife but also includes anything that can hurt you like a shoe or a stick.
* Verbal/Emotional Abuse – is when a person says something or does something that makes you afraid or feel bad about yourself. This may include: yelling, name-calling, saying mean things about your family and friends, embarrassing you on purpose, telling you what you can and can’t do, or threatening to hurt you or hurt themselves. Blaming you for their problems, or verbally pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol, or keeping you from spending time with your friends and family are all abuse.
* Sexual Abuse – is any sexual contact that you do not want. You may have said no or may be unable to say no because the abuser has threatened you or prevented you from saying no. This may include forcing you to have sex or unwanted touching or kissing.

Why are some people violent?

There are many reasons why a person could be violent or abusive to their friend or person they are dating. For example, a person who has grown up in a violent family may have learned that violence like hitting or verbal control was the way to solve a problem (which it is not!). They may be violent because they want to control the relationship or because they feel bad about themselves and think they will feel better if they make someone else feel worse. Others may get pressured by their friends to prove how strong they are. Sometimes people have trouble controlling their anger.

Drugs and alcohol can also play a part in abusive behavior. There are some people who lose control and act abusively after they have been drinking or taking drugs. But this is no excuse! Just because someone is under the influence of drugs and alcohol or has a bad temper does not mean that their abusive behavior is okay.

* No matter why a person is violent physically, verbally/emotionally, or sexually, it is important for you to know that it is not your fault! You are NOT the reason for the violence. Violence is NEVER okay!

Why do some people stay in unhealthy or violent relationships?

If abusive or unhealthy relationships are so bad, then why do some people stay in them? Why don’t they just stop spending time with their friend or break up with the person and stop seeing them? Sometimes it may be hard to get out of an abusive relationship. This is because violent relationships often go in cycles. After a person is violent, he or she may apologize and promise never to hurt you again, and even say that they will work on the relationship. It may be a while before that person acts violently again. These ups and downs can make it hard to leave a relationship.

It’s hard to leave someone you care about. You may be scared or ashamed to admit that you are in an abusive relationship, or you may be simply scared to be alone without that person. You may be afraid that no one will believe you, or that your friend or partner will hurt you more if you tell someone. Whatever the reasons, leaving an unhealthy relationship is hard but something you must do. You will need help to do it.

Why should I leave?

Abusive relationships are very unhealthy for you. You can have trouble sleeping or have headaches or stomach aches. You might feel depressed, sad, anxious or nervous, and you may even lose or gain weight. You may also blame yourself, feel guilty, and have trouble trusting other people in your life. Staying in an abusive relationship can hurt your self-confidence and make it hard for you to believe in yourself. If you are being physically abused, you can be the victim of injuries that could cause permanent damage. You should definitely leave the relationship if you are getting hurt, if you have bruises or pain, or if you are being threatened with physical harm in any way.

Remember that the most important reason to leave an unhealthy relationship is because you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fun.

How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship?

First, if you think that you are in an unhealthy relationship, you should talk to a parent, friend, counselor, doctor, teacher, coach or other trusted person about your relationship. Tell them why you think the relationship is unhealthy and exactly what the other person has done (hit, pressured you to have sex, tried to control you). You may want to look back at the list of “warning signs” to help you to explain the situation to an adult. If necessary, this trusted adult can help you contact your parents, counselors, school security, or even the police about the violence. With help, you can get out of an unhealthy relationship.

Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous so it is very important for you to make a Safety Plan. Leaving the relationship will be a lot easier and safer if you have a plan. Here are some tips on making Your Safety Plan:

* Tell a trusted adult like a parent, counselor, doctor, teacher or spiritual leader.
* Tell the person who is abusing you that you do not want to see him or her or break up with this person over the phone so they cannot touch you. Do this when your parents or guardians are at home so you know you will be safe in your house.
* Go to your doctor or hospital for treatment if you have been injured.
* Keep track of any violence. A diary is a good way to keep track of the date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person you are dating did, and exactly what effects it caused (bruises, for example). This will be important if you need the police to issue a restraining order against the person.
* Avoid contact with the person.
* Spend time with your other friends and walk with them and not by yourself.
* Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency like a police station or even a public place like a restaurant or mall.
* Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to call for help. Use code words. You should decide on the code words ahead of time with your family so that they will know that your signal means that you can’t talk easily and you need help.
* Call 911 right away if you are ever afraid that the person is following you or is going to hurt you.
* Keep domestic violence hot-line numbers in your wallet or another secure place, or program them into your cell phone.

What do I do if a friend tells me that she is in an abusive relationship?

If your friend tells you that she is in an abusive relationship, listen very carefully to what she says. It is important that you listen without judging or blaming your friend. Tell your friend that you believe what she is saying and that you know that it is not her fault. Tell her that you are always there for her when she wants to talk about it. Remind her of all her friends and family who care about her and want her to be safe. Let her know that you are worried about her safety and that you want to help her to tell a parent or other trusted adult right away. Offer to go with her. Give her information on how to make a safety plan and give her phone numbers of counselors and domestic violence hotlines. You may even want to suggest that your friend take a self-defense class. Be sure not to take this on alone. Talk with a trusted adult such as a school counselor about how to help your friend.

Should I have my friend talk to her parents or another adult?

Yes! The most important thing that you can do for your friend is to encourage her to talk to an adult right away. This adult could be a parent, coach, teacher, school counselor, doctor, nurse, or spiritual leader. Tell your friend that you will go with her to see an adult about her abusive relationship. If your friend is nervous about going to talk to adult, here are some things you could remind her of:

* An adult will listen to her problem and give her advice on how to handle the situation.
* An adult can help to protect her if she feels that she is in danger.
* An adult can help her contact the right people, such as the police, her principal, or a counselor.

What if my friend won’t listen to me and wants to keep the abuse a secret?

After you encourage your friend to talk to someone like a trusted adult about the abuse, you can tell an adult also. It is too much for you to handle alone. Even though you want to keep your friend’s secret, it is important for you to tell a trusted adult especially if you are afraid that your friend could get hurt or if you are worried that she won’t tell anyone. Your friend will need help even if she says that she can handle it alone.

Do not tell your friend to choose between the person that she is dating and you. This could make your friend feel that she can’t talk to you if she decides to stay in the relationship. Don’t spread your friend’s secrets to others. Let her be the one to tell other friends that she trusts.

What else do I need to know?

Abuse is a problem that some people experience in their relationships. At least 1 in 10 teens experience physical violence in their relationships. Even if you have not experienced physical, sexual, or verbal and emotional abuse, one of your friends may be in an unhealthy relationship with another friend or dating partner. If you are in an unhealthy relationship or if your friend is, it is important that you get help right away before someone gets hurt! Relationships are an important part of life and are supposed to be fun and special!

Who can I call for help?

There are hotlines that you can call 24 hours a day to get help and advice on how to leave an unhealthy relationship. There may be some local resources in your community including batter women’s shelters or through your church, school, or doctor’s office that you can call.

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10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills

December 15th, 2009

http://powertochange.com/students/people/listen/?request_uri=/people/listen.html
powertochange.com
by Susie Michelle Cortright

Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication.

In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk.

Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.

The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to.
While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should, too:

1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.

2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.

3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.

4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (”uh-huh” and “um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?”

5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.

6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation.

7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.

8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out.

9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.

10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”

As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view.

Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.

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Conflict Resolution Skills for Student Relationships

December 15th, 2009

http://www.iamnext.com/people/conflict.html
iamnext.com
by Kristin Feenstra

Oops. The other day I had a bit of a falling out with my good friend Alissa. I told a guy she liked about a conversation we shared, not knowing she would be so offended by it.

After my disagreement with Alissa, I realized that I had some decisions to make as to how I was going to deal with this conflict.

Yes, I had over-stepped my boundaries. No, I didn’t want to lose my three-year friendship with Alissa over a comment I made to the guy she liked.

So now what? In my mind, the options were to let her go in hopes the problem would go away or to try to talk it out with her. I decided to attempt the confrontation.

Conflict. It’s a fact of life. It’s a fact in friendships. You develop a friendship with someone, and conflict is sure to occur.

Many superficial friendships end up being shelved after an argument because there isn’t enough depth to warrant all the trouble it takes to smooth over the disagreement. Unfortunately, even when the friendship reaches a deeper level, conflict continues to happen and can break apart a relationship.

Here are some some ideas I have found effective in dealing with conflicts in friendships:

* First and foremost, talk the situation over soon after it occurs. And do it soon!

From my experience, people begin to talk about what happened even sooner afterwards.

Good, step in the right direction, right? Well, not always… particularly when the talking isn’t with the person involved, but with other friends or acquaintances. People begin to pick sides. The gossip circulates and all of a sudden, friends become enemies. Suddenly everyone is mad at everyone else.

So, be sure to talk with the person with whom you are upset without the interference of people who aren’t really involved.

* Resolve it the day it happens. One rule my parents follow in their marriage is that they don’t go to bed angry with each other. They always attempt to resolve things the day it happens so that in the morning, it’s a fresh start with no past grudges.

I’ve found I need a short cool down period of a couple of minutes so that I don’t act in anger, so I can act with a more rational mind instead. For some, counting to one hundred before saying anything, may be an option.

Whatever you do, don’t let things ride for too long.

* Even when you don’t see eye to eye, agree to disagree. Tell them that while you may not agree with what they’re saying, you still value their friendship.

Try to see the other person’s perspective. Sometimes if you sit down and talk things over, you begin to see where the other person is coming from. Realize that everyone has been created differently with various talents, abilities and personality traits. For example, you might be a leader while your friend is more of a follower. You may be frustrated with him or her for not being very decisive. Yet it is important to understand that no matter what your quirks, each person is still unique and needs to be appreciated.

* Here’s a tough one – initiate resolution. Be the first person in a fight to say sorry for your part.

Even when you think the other person is wrong, it’s not a bad thing to say “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if I offended you in that way.”

If you’re honest, genuine, and gentle in delivering your words, there’s a good chance your friend will reciprocate positively. Use feeling words as no one can argue with your feelings. For example, “When you do this, you make me feel silly.”

* Focus on the bigger picture. Successfully facing and working through the discomfort of conflict in a friendship has a worthwhile reward: a deeper relationship.

* Don’t accuse by using the word, “you.”

* Be sensitive. Try to offer solutions when appropriate, but know when to listen. Don’t underestimate the importance of a listening ear.

* Most important, be loving in what you do. Don’t go out to “get” the other person, but try to focus on peacefully resolving the disagreement.

Resolving conflict in any friendship is not the most pleasant task, but it is worth the hassle for the result on the other end is a deeper friendship.

The ultimate solution to conflict resolution

The reality is, no matter how hard we try to be loving in what we do, our love is imperfect and we will let people down eventually.

But the good news is that there is a way to tap into a source of perfect love to help us love and live at peace with people around us.

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Posted in Psycology

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Conflict and negotiation

December 15th, 2009

http://www.cyh.sa.gov.au/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=240&np=296&id=2095
cyh.sa.gov.au

We all face conflict at some time in our lives. But it doesn’t always have to be negative, it doesn’t have to end up as a war! In fact if you learn skills to deal with conflict there can be some really positive and satisfying outcomes.

What is conflict?

Conflict is when people disagree on an issue or can’t get along well. This is just a part of life.

It’s natural for people to disagree at times because we all have different interests, values, goals and needs. Other causes of conflict can be that sometimes we don’t understand other people and what they really mean. We can mistake the other person’s true meaning or another person can make a mistake about the meaning of something we say or do.

* Conflict happens in personal relationships, with family, parents, caregivers, friends, partners, teachers and work mates.
* Conflict also happens in wider society.
o We see conflict between groups with different interests and values.
o We see religion against religion, race against race, country against country, greenies against mining companies, pro-abortionists against right to life groups, city folk against country folk, political party against political party, and sport team against sport team. You can probably think of many other examples.
* Conflict can also happen within yourself when you learn something new that is different to what you always believed. The conflict inside yourself can make you want to hang on to your old beliefs or it can make you change your beliefs. So conflict can result in changes, often for the better.

Consequences of conflict

People deal with conflict differently. That means there are different consequences of conflict.

* Conflict can get dangerous when people get aggressive and violent.
* Conflict can bring about increased learning and greater understanding of each other’s viewpoints when dealt with wisely.
* Some people avoid conflict, which means they don’t get any say in what’s happening.

Some of the negative parts of ignoring conflict or badly managing conflict can be:

* having a lot of anger that you don’t express
* trying to pretend that there isn’t a problem
* confusion
* the conflict gets worse
* separation or family breakdown
* feeling resentful
* stress and tension
* illness
* aggression
* violence
* relationship problems.

Some of the positive parts of dealing with conflict successfully can be:

* a sense of achievement
* happiness
* stronger relationships
* you learn more about others and yourself
* relaxation
* good health
* peaceful sleep
* teamwork
* learning
* positive change
* feeling positive.

It all depends how it’s handled. You probably already have some very good skills in dealing with conflict. We can all learn more skills to deal with conflict that will bring more positive outcomes.

Ways to deal with conflict

It’s important to deal with conflict to avoid all the negatives we already talked about. The most effective way to deal with conflict is to negotiate with the other person involved.

* Work out first if the conflict is worth dealing with.
* If it’s an important issue in your life or for a person close to you, then it should be dealt with.
* If it’s something minor, for example, just a slight disagreement that will go away if you leave it, then perhaps that’s the way to go.

Although there are positive ways to deal with conflict rather than pretending it’s not happening or getting aggressive, it’s also important to know that there are times when conflict can be difficult to control and sometimes there is no easy answer.

Not all conflict will be resolved. However, most of it can be handled well if you use a positive, respectful approach.

One of the most popular ideas around is the win- win approach to dealing with conflict.

* This does not mean it’s a sort of competition, it’s more about both people being satisfied with the outcome.
* It’s about finding out what you both want and where there are areas that you can both agree on, then working towards them.
* It’s about working together as partners trying to solve a problem, not as opponents trying to win against each other.
* It’s about working together on a basis of mutual respect to find a satisfying solution.

Here are steps to work towards a win-win outcome.

1 Raise the topic (with respect)

Bring the conflict out into the open.

* Do this together in a calm way when both of you have the time and energy to sit down and talk peacefully.
* Say what the conflict is from your view and ask for the other’s view.
* Ask the other person if he would like to work out a solution with you.

At this time it’s also OK to tell him how you feel – it’s only natural that conflict will bring out different emotions like sadness or anger.

* Say how you are feeling rather than taking it out on the other person.
* But be careful here. If you tell the other person your feelings in a way that is blaming towards them, you may get him angry and lose the opportunity to discuss the issues so you say how you feel without saying that he makes you feel like that.

The main thing to focus on at this time is what the problem is, what the issues are. Separate out the issues from the person or from the relationship. It is very important to treat the other person with respect while you’re discussing this.

At this point you don’t have to go on to work it all out – you have stated that there is a problem.

* You could then decide together whether to make a time to work on this together or to work on this now.
* You may like to print this topic out and use it together to try and resolve the conflict.

2 Understand each other

Both of you should have an uninterrupted time to explain how you see the conflict.

* Show respect for each other by not interrupting and really listening to the other person.
* Listen with your ears, your eyes and your heart and ask for more detail if you don’t understand.

Do this in a positive way – no attacking or accusing etc.

* Really try to understand where the other person is coming from.
* Be open about what you might have done to make it worse.
* Be honest with yourself and the other person about this.

By now you should both have a good picture of what is troubling the other person.

3 Define the problem

So what exactly is the problem? Can you both define the problem together? To make it easier to define, try and write it down in one sentence that explains the problem

4 What do you both want?

Next think about what it is you both want.

* Answer this together by working out the areas that you can both agree on.
* What is it you both want?
* How would you both like things to be?

Thinking about these things helps you work out together what your goals are. Once you’ve worked out together how you’d like things to be, write down the goals that you both have (this means what you would like to happen).

5 Brainstorming solutions

Now that you really understand each other, and have worked out what the problem is and have worked out some goals, you can start to think about ways to get there.

* Think of all the possible ideas you can come up with together that will move you both towards your goals – it doesn’t matter how wild the ideas are at this stage.
* Write them as you go.
* When you finish brainstorming ideas, look at all the ideas you came up with. How can you make each idea work? What might be the outcomes of each idea?
* Decide which are the best ideas.

6 Putting it into practice

Make an agreement about which idea you’ll work on together.

* Work out all the details together clearly eg “on such and such day I will do x”.
* You can even write it out so you both know you are clear and are agreeing on exactly the same thing. A written agreement means it’s still clear later when one of you may have forgotten some details.

If something comes up that means you can’t keep up your part of the agreement, go back and work it out again. If the solution looks like it’s not going to work after a fair time, then go back to the list you brainstormed. Try another idea.

This may seem like a lot of hard work, but it gets easier each time you practice. And remember, there are all the good outcomes to resolving conflict that we already talked about. And all the not so good outcomes when you don’t resolve conflict.

Skills needed

To work out conflicts, your skills are needed. In particular:

* being respectful
* being understanding
* being assertive.

Assertiveness is a skill of its own. What does assertive mean?

* It’s a kind of attitude halfway between being aggressive and being passive.
* Being aggressive means you force your view on someone else.
* Being passive means you don’t do anything, just let things happen to you.

There may be times when it’s OK to be passive or aggressive, but as we have already seen they’re not at all useful when there is a conflict. What you need then is to be assertive. When you’re being assertive you do state your view and do it in a calm and non-blaming manner. Have a look at our topic on Assertiveness for more information.

It can be hard to learn conflict resolution and assertiveness skills from reading alone.

* Many schools teach these skills to students.
* There are also courses in many community health centres where you can talk about these skills, ask questions and try out different problems with other people.
* Check out the resources at the end of this topic. Look for similar resources near where you live.

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Children & Divorce: Overcoming Challenges & Succeeding in Life

December 15th, 2009

http://behappy4life.com/article-childrendivorce.html
behappy4life.com
By Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC

Divorce is a major stressful event for children and adults.
To children, divorce is confusing. They have so many
concerns and questions about how their lives will change.
They cannot control what is happening to their family, and they often think that they are responsible for their parents divorce.  Strong emotions are experienced such as hurt and anger.

For adults and children, divorce is an adjustment that takes time.  It is more difficult for some than others, depending on a number of factors.  Conflict between parents creates more stress and difficulty for children of divorce.  Support from family and friends has a significant impact on coping.  Children with little support tend to feel more insecure and worried than children with a good support system.

Signs of difficulty adjusting and accepting divorce are most evident in children’s behavior. There will be changes in their normal patterns, such as irritability and angry outbursts.  Some children will become more withdrawn and lose interest in activities they once enjoyed.  Academic problems can also develop as a result of changes in behavior.  Children experiencing depression may have difficulty focusing on their schoolwork. Aggressive behavior in children can cause problems with teachers and peers.  Overall effort and motivation can wane.  For this reason, it is extremely important for children of divorce to get the support and help they need to make healthy adjustments and improve coping.

Research shows that children of divorce are at higher risk for:

• academic problems
• aggressive behavior
• drug experimentation and use
• sexual activity
• relationship problems
• low self-esteem
• depression

Parents and teachers often underestimate the difficulties children of divorce face. There are many behavioral signs as listed below.  Most children of divorce will experience some of these symptoms.

• regressive behavior in young children: whining, clinging, returning to
security blanket, toilet training problems, thumb sucking
• sleeping problems
• fears, insecurities, worries
• withdrawal, isolation, unusually quiet
• disobedient, disrespectful to parents and authority
• aggressive, violent, or destructive behaviors
• anger, resentment, embarrassment about divorce
• physical symptoms: aches and pains, stomach problems, headaches
• academic problems: focus, truancy, declining grades, tardiness,
missing assignments

Although children of divorce are at a higher risk for many problems, they can make healthy adjustments and develop a strong support system.  They can begin to understand divorce and not fear its consequences.  They can gain peace of mind as they learn that although life will be different, life can be good. Divorce is not the end of the world but the beginning of a new life.  Children can learn how to manage their feelings and accept the challenges and new responsibilities they will have.  Focus and motivation can be restored, and they can face life with greater strength and hope.

Children need support and help as they deal with the many challenges of divorce.  The stress, confusion, and behavioral problems can be significantly reduced with proper and healthy intervention.  Many future problems can also be prevented.  Children can make a positive transition with children therapy.  For children, divorce counseling can provide a strong and safe support system to help them adjust and cope.  Children therapy can help them work through their many emotions, release their fears and anger, keep focused and perform their best in school, and maintain good relationships with their parents, siblings, peers, and teachers.

Divorce does not have to lead children down a dark, difficult, destructive path.  Children are resilient.  They can understand and adjust well.  They can learn healthy ways to cope and overcome challenges.  They can have peace in the midst of the storm, and love can be their anchor.  Children of divorce can develop greater compassion, deeper insight, understanding and wisdom from their experience.  They can become stronger and more determined as they withstand the tempest winds and tumultuous seas that threaten to overcome them.  Children of divorce can and will succeed with help and support.

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The Divorce Culture – What Happened?

December 15th, 2009

http://friendsandlovers.com/the-divorce-culture-what-happened.htm
friendsandlovers.com
Marlene M. Browne

If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don’t blame the women’s movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based.” -Betty Friedan

Divorce is no longer a dirty word. Approximately half of all first-time boomer marriages will end in divorce. Check out the actual divorce stats at: www.divorcereform.org/rates.html. How have things changed so much since the dim memory of June and Ward Cleaver?

We lived through the 1960s-the time of great social revolution. We fought against racial discrimination, for women’s and gay rights, and the end of the war in Vietnam. These were amazing advancements in America, but we also saw some things fall by the wayside.

For instance, one of the casualties of the ’60s was the general social requirement to put up with the way things were, because, well, that’s the way they were. Staying married was something you used to do because you were expected to, regardless of how dead the marriage, or how abusive the spouse.

Or some people stayed married because they didn’t want to risk going into divorce court where a judge would hear evidence of cheating, or other bad behavior, and then make the guilty party pay as punishment for breaking the marriage contract. But this state of affairs would not last for long. The rules and the times, as we knew, were a-changin’, and changin’ fast.

Gestalt Prayer
I do my thing, and you do your thing;
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations
And you are not in this world to live up to mine;
You are you and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.
-Frederick (”Fritz”) Perls, Psychologist

A great example of the shifting attitude of the times is the Gestalt Prayer. The man who wrote it-the psychologist Frederick (”Fritz”) Perls-was the world-famous “guru” at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California.

In the 1960s, Esalen was the place where the avant-garde gathered to explore new ways of thinking and relating to each other. There, Dr. Perls conceived of “Gestalt therapy” where the focus was on a person’s awareness of the “here and now.”

Not only did this new way of thinking about human relationships derail the conventions of the past, at its very core was the message: to your own self be true. This approach put a premium on personal freedom and encouraged the individual to do “his (or her) thing”-another phrase used by Dr. Perls.

As the “Gestalt” school of thought swept California in the 1960s, people’s sense of good and bad depended upon their comfort level at any given time. If something made you feel bad, it was bad. Period.

From this point of “ethical relativism,” it wasn’t a far leap to the credo, “if it feels good, do it.” Or, as the Mamas and Papas sang, “Do what you wanna do, and go where you wanna go, with whoever you wanna do it with.” No matter who got hurt-or who did the hurting.

As this new focus on self-fulfillment and freedom took hold-old values like duty and loyalty fell out of favor. Along the way our expectations of ourselves-and of others-changed. Cultural leaders preached personal choice over domestic commitment.

Betty Friedan, author of the 1963 classic, The Feminine Mystique, and one of the founders of the twentieth century women’s movement, said that the traditional family unit was “a comfortable concentration camp” and, most strikingly, urged that women should be freed from it. Good-bye Leave it to Beaver and the 1950s!

Finding No Fault

So, you might be wondering, what’s this historical social-studies stuff have to do with your divorce? Everything! In 1969, California was the first state to enact “no-fault” divorce laws.

An avalanche of legal reforms followed throughout the country that allowed us to leave our marriage vows behind, almost effortlessly, without requiring a judge to find fault with the party leaving or being left.

Now, the majority of states have no-fault divorce laws, and the rest of them have at least one no-fault ground of divorce available, should someone be inclined to end a marriage, even though the other spouse is perfectly innocent of “fault.” New York, the remaining “fault only” state, is the notable exception. (For a more detailed discussion of fault and legal grounds for divorce, keep reading!)

So I guess you could say that the legacy of the “make-love-not-war” generation is the “easy” divorce. Well, sort of. Divorce is almost never easy, emotionally speaking; but in a “no-fault” state, you no longer have to prove inhuman treatment, or adultery, or drunkenness, or abandonment to part ways. In fact, even if you’re the one with the “fault” you can get out of your marriage.

Unlike the old days, the big legal battles are fought over money or kids, not over who did what to whom-or with whom-when and where. Today you just pay your money (a court fee of about $250), check a few boxes on the appropriate preprinted petition or complaint form, (or, if no form is available, prepare your own pleading, explaining that you and your spouse are incompatible), and that’s it. You’re now a plaintiff or petitioner in your very own divorce case.

The New “Extra Strength” Marriage

So it goes with most things, the pendulum swings far in one direction- say, toward the easy way out of marriage. Then, in response, it swings back in the opposite direction-toward nuptials that are more difficult to end. That’s what the recently enacted covenant marriages are all about.

Some say it’s a way of putting fault back into divorce laws. Others believe it’s just a way of giving a couple choice, a more committed way to say “I do.” Whatever. Just know that if you have a covenant marriage, you’ll be facing a higher hurdle to divorce than the rest of us.

In the meantime, though they haven’t adopted the covenant marriage option, many states are considering tougher divorce laws, making it more difficult to split. Still, there’s no denying that divorce is part of our culture: an inalienable right demanded by the American public and protected by the constitution. So it seems the right to leave a marriage is here to stay.

The Good Divorce

Let’s face it: No mature person gets married thinking it will end in divorce. I never met a client or person who thought divorce was a fun thing. It’s often dreadful, difficult, and demanding. But sometimes it’s simply necessary. In many circumstances, it’s the only way to save your sanity, and maybe, in the worst case, your safety.

But despite the horror stories you hear or read about, there are “good” divorces (I had one)- where you and your spouse (and children, if you have them) will fare better, with less household stress, once your parting is complete and your life begins a new chapter. Remember the old wisecrack, “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!” Well, it’s true, sometimes it is.

And there’s more good news to ease some of the guilt you might feel about divorce and its consequences on your kids. Recent studies suggest- contrary to what some have previously reported-that children of divorce are able to adjust just fine, in the long run, to their parents’ breakup. Not that it’s easy or fast. But, overall, the prognosis is good, so long as the kids don’t suffer poverty or abuse after their parents split.

So if you need to get out of a barren, or worse, abusive, unsafe marriage, don’t feel that you’re damning your kids to a life of emotional damage. Will your kids be upset at first? Probably. Stunned? Perhaps. But doomed to permanent psychological impairment? No, say the experts.

For a more detailed discussion of how divorce affects kids, from a study with a decent sample size, see the 2002 book by E. Mavis Hetherington (Professor Emeritus in the Department of Psychology at the University of Virginia) and John Kelly, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.

For more information on the “good divorce,” check out The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, a good, older book by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., the director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Training Program at the University of Southern California. (Read more about the effects of divorce on kids in Chapter 26.)

Why Me?

Well, now you know, it’s probably not a matter of fault. More likely, a matter of choice, though it might not be your choice. Actually, after practicing family law since 1986, and working with countless therapists, clients, and clergy members, the consensus view I gathered is that most couples call it quits because of three basic reasons.

And, most professionals agree that the symptoms of a broken marriage, e.g., apathy, adultery, abandonment (emotional or physical), arise from these circumstances, not vice versa. (Does your marriage fit in any of these categories?)

* Too young when married. In this kind of marriage, the spouses married and didn’t form identities as individuals until long after the wedding. When they did, they found they just weren’t well matched as partners. Oops.

* Immaturity. In this marriage, when the proverbial honeymoon was over (scientists say this euphoria lasts, at most, three and a half years-coincidentally, the time it takes for a human infant to need less attention from both parents) the couple simply lacked the foundation for a lifelong relationship. In other words, they had a so-called “starter marriage.”

* No communication. Along with an inability-or unwillingness- to meet the needs of the other, in this type of marriage, the partners got, as Mick would say, “no satisfaction” from their union or each other.

Of course, no matter how interesting this divorce data might be, none of it will heal a broken heart as your marriage is ending. Even Betty Friedan, the most vocal divorce advocate for women in the 1960s, admitted that ending her own marriage in 1969 was the hardest thing she ever did.

While I understand that you might be walking wounded now, there are still definite things you should be doing, whether you’re the one contemplating the divorce, or fear you are-or are about to be-on the receiving end of a petition or complaint. Remember: “The first step in revolution is consciousness,” in 1960s-speak. So in that spirit, keep your eyes open, your seatbelt fastened, and read on!

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Anger and Hurt: another lonely place!

December 15th, 2009

http://www.womensselfesteem.com/articles/article/2617696/36576.htm
womensselfesteem.com
Dorothy L

Being human can really be challenging, to say the least. We feel emotions with every breath we take, every move we make. Some emotions are so sweet that we never want to lose that feeling. Other emotions cause us so much anger and hurt that we are paralyzed with pain.

Our minds use anger as a memory of a hurt that we have experienced. The memory is usually due to the fact that we neglected to express our hurt at the time for one reason or another. We tend to not show our anger or hurt because we do not want to cause a conflict or hurt another’s feelings or ever admit those feelings. We also hang onto it because once we actually show we are angered, we are showing we are not perfect and that in fact we are human and can feel pain.

But if we continue to push away our feelings to protect our perfect selves, we become less real and less connected to people in our lives, without even realizing how  far we are pushing them away.

Protecting another person from our hurts or anger is only imprisoning ourselves, so that they will never be able to reach us. If we do this long enough we cannot find happiness anywhere. When we are questioned why we are upset, we can not even find the beginning to the hurt we have hidden. The longer we hide our hurts and anger the more confusing they become. Things get all tangled up and if we dare try to explain, we are totally speaking another language.

Have you ever been hurt by someone and then they make it impossible for you to explain why you are angered? Those people can do a lot of damage, they are controllers. When you can identify that type of person, only then can you fight back and tell them, “please just shut up and listen”. If you want to be unhappy then keep hanging onto that hurt. It will definitely drag your self-esteem to the bottom.

Hurt is a pain of the moment and it is happening right now. Its reason is right there in front of you. You must deal with it or you will only hide it and end up alone in your prison of loneliness. The longer you hold back, the more angry you become with you, for not acting out. That’s when guilt moves right on in and takes over, making you  want to get even with that person. Your negative thoughts are seeded now and nothing feels good. Is this a good thing? NOT!

It is definitely not easy to risk being called oversensitive, or told that you are just causing a fight, or they just laugh you off like you are a child. You may even find that this person doesn`t really care about you. Better to find that out asap, don`t you think?

These FEELINGS of hurt and anger have a way of taking over our lives. Is it not better to let it out now than to live in an unhappy life of silence? Tell someone how you feel, when you feel it, or you will only lock those FEELINGS up inside you and trust me, you will lose yourself.

You may even hurt the one you love, but honesty is the best way. I believe that with a true love you should be able to tell that person anything and yes even if you feel hurt or angered by them.

Love conquers anger and hurt. It battles jealousy and helps lift you to a higher self-esteem! To be truly happy and not endure the prisons of negative emotions, we need to be heard. We need to be understood. We need to be forgiven. We also need to be loved and cared for.

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Transition to Parenthood -Relationships

December 15th, 2009

http://www.humaneed.com.au/relationshipsandparenthood.asp
humaneed.com.au

Most couples look forward to the birth of their first child with great anticipation, excitement and joy combined with a little fear of what may lie ahead. Few couples, if any, will take the time to discuss at length the inevitable changes that the birth of their child will bring to both their own lives as well as to the relationship.

The emphasis on the birth of a first child is naturally on the joy of the occasion rather than any concerns that lies in the background. We hear stories from others about how hard it is and whilst we take that on board, we also harbour a secret belief that we will probably do it better!

he birth of the first baby for a couple has been identified as one of the biggest challenges and threats that a marriage can face.  New parents will struggle with multiple issues. They occur in a messy package, not in neat sequential order.

Once the joy of birth has settled, the reality of a child-centered life takes hold at the expense of the relationship. The operative words here are child centered life. They determine when you get up, when you rest, and in the early days even when you toilet and shower! It’s not surprising that after a few years of this a marriage frequently begins to show increased signs of strain and stress along with expressions of unhappiness and frustration.

Typically, couples are unsure as to how to express their feelings on these matters, and when they do venture into such conversations, anger and frustration can quickly erupt.  Unresolved conflict may in time lead to couples eventually deciding to separate.

The most common issues include post natal depression, lack of sexual intimacy and affection, sleep deprivation, loss of energy and motivation, increased irritability and arguing, difficulty negotiating roles and responsibilities, loss of career and contact with work colleagues, an increased sense incompetence, as well as isolation and loneliness.

Any of these issues can be experienced by both men and women alike and may occur simultaneously.  Many previously contented couples find themselves at the brink of despair.The good news is, not all relationships fall apart after the birth of a child, many couples manage the changes and challenges with less difficulty. They refocus on the relationship and make a habit of it as their child grows and demands change.

How do you refocus’…..

Most importantly make your relationship a priority -

all too often couples place their child at the centre of their lives and neglect the relationship;

-Communicate – talk with each other about what you are thinking, feeling and experiencing; listen to each other here. Read beneath the lines, look for discontent. You both need to feel good about your shared lives.

-Encourage and support each other – let your partner know that they are important to you;

-Have fun – new parents easily forget to take time out for themselves and simply enjoy other activities;

-Learning to manage time effectively – coming to terms with what can be accomplished and organized is vital to reducing stress in the family.  Your child will cope with a little integration into your activities too. Achieving and maintaining family harmony is a big issue around these matters.

-Create support networks – negotiate with extended family and friends to lend a hand with babysitting or simply to talk over concerns with;

-Build in time just for you.  It is easy to either forget your own needs or to place your wants and needs at the bottom of the list.

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Poor Relationship Indicators

December 15th, 2009

http://www.advicediva.com/ad/articles/poorrelationshipindicators.asp
advicediva.com
by Diva Rebecca

New relationships can be very exciting. So exciting, in fact, that you become blinded to the obvious indicators that should be giant red flags warning you of a potentially disastrous relationship…..or a very poor one in the least. Here are just a few of what we had in mind:

1. When the guy or girl stresses how important good looks are in the relationship. I actually had a guy tell me that it was very important to him that we both remain good looking even as we aged in years. I understand vanity, and it is okay to care about your body and the way you look. But that is not what this guy meant. He was taking it a step beyond and he wanted me to know how much “looks” meant to him. He was a socialite, and it meant everything to him. While I was thinking about keeping in shape and getting up to date haircuts, he was thinking breast augmentations, tummy tucks, brow lifts, botox and permanent makeup. If that was what was important to him, then fine. But I wanted what was inside of me to be the most important factor to someone. This guy wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. All he needed was mannequin and a mirror for himself.
2. I’ll call you but you can’t call me. This is the guy or girl who either refuses to give you a home number, or any number at all, and never answers the phone if he or she does give you a number. This person might even display a certain amount of agitation if you do make that phone call more than a few times. But when he or she wants to call you, it is all fine and dandy. For most people, this type of relationship won’t last long. Most people have more respect for themselves than to let something like this go on. But I have a few friends who have dealt with characters such as this. You can’t call this person because he or she is either married or dating someone else. You are on the down low.
3. The date with an explosively defensive personality. Have you ever been on a first or second date where you already encountered a little tiff? I once went out with a guy who put me on an intense guilt trip on the first date. He was gorgeous, athletic and a little mysterious so I was happy about the date. But when I accidentally ignored what he said at one point, he made me feel terrible about it. It was a normal mishap. I was driving while he was talking and it just so happened that I was driving in a terrible rainstorm. I was nervous and was holding on to the wheel with a death grip. While I was negotiating a turn in this deluge I happened to miss what he said and responded with an “Uh-huh”. Apparently it was an inappropriate response. I never found out what he said but he didn’t let more forget it. As we dated a few more times, his aggression came out brutally (verbally) on a few occasions and I abruptly ended it. I should have seen it coming from the beginning.
4. The person who doesn’t respect your limits. This is usually a sign of immaturity, but it can also signal a sign of dominance. There are many examples of this. For example, a woman who keeps pushing you to go to party after party, when you just want to go home to bed. Someone who pushes you into doing something you don’t want to do even when you have said so. In a worst case scenario, this is the guy who just doesn’t understand that no means no. If someone doesn’t respect the limits you have set out for them, that person probably doesn’t respect you at all.

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Perspective on Fear of Abandonment (Causes, Effects, and Options)

December 15th, 2009

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/abandon.htm
sfhelp.org
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

Perspective

When you think of the words “abandon” and “abandonment” in a family context, what comes to mind? How would you define “abandonment” to an average 10-year-old? Have you ever felt abandoned? Have you abandoned someone? What would you say is the opposite of abandonment? Can you describe (a) why some people abandon others, and (b) how abandonment affects typical kids, adults, and fami-lies?

This article explores these questions to build a foundation for reducing significant fear of abandon-ment. This common fear hinders wholistic health and burdens relationships and families,

What is “Abandonment”?

For our purposes, abandonment is a relationship dynamic that occurs when an adult or child  vol-untarily…

*

denies or ignores key responsibilities (a role) that someone – or society – expects them to fulfill, like parental or marital obligations, and/or they…
*

choose to end an existing relationship with someone else despite their partner/s not wanting that. This is specially traumatic when the abandoned one depends on the other person for something important, like a child or disabled adult does.

Abandonment can be psychological (indifference, apathy, “coldness,” lack of intimacy); and/ or physical. Psychological divorce occurs when one or both cohabiting mates abandon the other and their marital vows, roles, responsibilities, and relationship primacy.

Discussion of abandonment usually focuses on an adult leaving or quitting. Family members can be equally affected if a child or grandchild “runs away from (abandons) home.”

Other types of abandonment occur when a person voluntarily gives up a dream, a cause, a belief, membership in a group, hope, the will to live, a lifestyle, and/or physical possessions. When circumstan-ces force giving any of these up, that’s an involuntary loss, not an abandonment. Do you agree?

Some traumatic relationship and role “abandonments” are not intentional. They occur when the per-son is severely wounded and unable to form appropriate bonds and maintain relationships like parent-child, mate-mate, and friend-friend. A common sign of this is thinking or saying “You were never there for me.”

This distinction is important because of traditional moral and legal condemnation of parental or spousal abandonment. Wounded parents who abandon (aren’t “emotionally available” for) their kids psychologically can’t help it. They can control whether or nor to conceive or adopt a child or to vow commitment to a primary partner – if their true Self consistently guides their personality.

What Causes Abandonment?

Opinion – an adult or child abandoning a family is usually caused by effects from the inherited an-cestral [wounds + unawareness] cycle. Quitting an assigned or chosen role (like parent, grandparent, husband, wife, partner, sibling, son, or daughter) and/or a relationship can occur because…

*

the role (responsibility) or relationship was unwanted, and/or was accepted without understanding what it required; or…
*

the person feels chronically overwhelmed by responsibilities and/or stress (discomforts) in a rela-tionship, role, or group (like a home or family); and/or…
*

s/he feels incompetent, guilty, and ashamed of “failing” a dependent person and/or obligation; and s/he…
*

(a) doesn’t see how to correct these stressors, and loses hope of improvement; or (b) s/he doesn’t want to correct them.

Each of these reasons is promoted by the person being wounded and unaware + making unwise role and relationship choices + lacking knowledge and problem-solving (”coping”) skills. How does this compare with your belief about people who abandon their dependents, parents, and/or obligations?

How Can Abandonment Affect Kids and Adults?

Abandonment impacts occur when…

*

parents divorce, and the absent parent chooses little or no contact with their kids or ex,
*

a young child’s parent or caregiver dies or becomes mentally disabled,
*

young or overwhelmed parents give up a child for adoption,
*

bioparents turn over the care of their young child to an older sibling, relative, nanny, day-care adult, sitter, or au pair. And abandonment impacts occur when…
*

a young child is hospitalized for some time and deprived of regular contact with her/his mother or parents; and…
*

a parent chooses a job that requires her or him to be away from home for weeks or months at a time, like foreign military service.

Impacts on the Family System

To fully appreciate the causes and multi-level impacts of adult or child abandonment, view the affec-ted multi-generational (”extended”) family as a dynamic system. Psychological or physical abandonment changes a family system’s roles, roles, rituals, and traditions, subsystems, and social interactions in complex ways.

These concurrent changes cause temporary or long-term anxieties until family members adapt to them and stabilize. They may lower the family’s nurturance level, and usually cause most or all well-bond-ed family members significant losses which need to be effectively mourned over time (Lesson 3).

Impacts on Children

The childhood and long-term effects of excessive parental absence can range from moderate to severe, depending on a child’s age, gender, their bond with the absent adult (weak > strong), and their extended family’s nurturance-level (low > high).

Common experience suggests that when young children are physically abandoned by a parent or caregiver – or if a primary caregiver is “emotionally unavailable” (can’t bond) – the kids are “badly hurt.” Their hurt is a mix of…

shock, if the abandonment was unexpected and explosive; and…

confusion – many mental questions and uncertainties about the abandonment and what it means; and…

shame (”low self esteem”) – feeling unlovable and unworthy, even if other adults are genu-inely nurturing and attentive; and perhaps…

guilts – feeling (irrationally) that they did something bad or wrong that caused the abandon-ment; and/or…

fears of (a) bonding with some or all adults / men / women; and that (b) their other care-givers will also abandon them, and they will die; and…

grief over (a) involuntarily broken bonds, and later, (b) over lost hopes and fantasies of reunion. If a child is raised in an “anti-grief” family, s/he can unconsciously carry unfinished mourning into adulthood as periodic or chronic “depression.”

Combined, these stressors can cause mixes of significant distrust, resentment, and anger that can carry into adulthood. When combined with significant caregiver abuse and/or neglect, these stressors may inhibit the child’s ability to bond (”Reactive Attachment Disorder,” or RAD).

Another impact that may not become evident until adulthood is the effect of parental absence on a young child’s sense of gender identity. Typical young girls need a father-figure’s affirmation and appreci-ation of their femininity. They also need consistent maternal modeling “how to be female” and delight in the daughter as a special, beloved girl. Boys need to observe how a father behaves, and to learn how to manage and appreciate their masculinity – specially how to relate to females and other males.

If these hurts are intense enough, an abandoned child can develop emotional numbness and/or se-lective “amnesia” (repression) to protect themselves from recalling and re-experiencing their abandonment trauma and losses. One or more of their personality subselves may be living in the past, and still fear the searing pain of re-abandonment.

These effects are often magnified because parental and spousal abandonment usually signals (a) a low-nurturance (”dysfunctional”) home and childhood, and (b) significantly-wounded and unaware care-givers and ancestors.

Minor kids can be also be stressed by other family members’ reactions to the abandonment. If some or most family members scorn and vilify the wo/man or child who left, biokids are forced to choose between loyalty to their absent parent or sibling, and other relatives. Older, less-wounded kids may be able to detach and not align with either side without excessive guilt or anxiety.

Impact on Inner Kids

Parental abandonment pain can nourish the development of psychologically-powerful inner children, like these. Each upset Child evokes one or more devoted Guardian subselves which ceaselessly try to soothe and protect them in various situations. Collectively, these normal subselves can disable the resident true Self and detract from the development, self confidence, and wholistic health of the child.

Some previously-abandoned teens can seek love, acceptance, and security through promiscuity or frantic trial primary relationships. Others can seek it through gang and/or athletic membership, drama, and/or fantasizing of reunions.

Choices like these can mute but not heal the root causes of original abandonment pain. Unless kids’ caregivers are…

*

aware of abandonment dynamics and impacts,
*

proactively reducing their own false-self wounds, and…
*

grieving their own losses effectively, then…

abandonment impacts on their kids add to the stress the adults must manage. Self-motivated wound-healing often begins in midlife if the adult hits true bottom.

Impacts on Adults

The effects of adult abandonment on themselves, their partner, and other family members depend on…

*

whether each person is usually guided by their true Self or not. The greater any false-self wounds and unawareness, the greater the impacts;
*

the bonding, loyalties, and priorities of each family member.
*

the effectiveness of the family-members’ thinking and communication,
*

the quality of social support that each member has,
*

whether the abandonment was…
o

impulsive and sudden, or planned and foreseen, and…
o

caused by a romantic or sexual affair, and…
*

the affect of the abandonment on the family’s financial stability and security; and…
*

the family’s grieving and anger policies, and religious or ethnic traditions.

Depending on factors like these, the abandoning person may feel significant regret, guilt, shame, anxiety, relief, frustration and/ or remorse for a time, or chronically. S/He may need to privately or so-cially distort what happened [e.g. deny it, and/or choose a victim role ("I had no choice!")] to justify their “irresponsible,” “selfish,” or “immoral” behavior.

These compound emotions and related thoughts can add to the impact of the adult’s unhealed wounds from their own childhood, and may promote addictions, self-neglect, and relationship avoidances and “cutoffs” with key family kids, adults and supporters.

Abandonment and related cutoffs and “strained relations” can cause all family members significant losses and stresses. Unless the family is pro-grief and intentionally working to reduce false-self wounds and unawareness, these stressors may significantly lower the family’s nurturance level. That raises the odds that the next generation will inherit and spread the toxic effects of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

A major impact variable is whether family adults criticize, scorn, and shun the abandoning adult, or view her or him with compassion as a helpless victim of childhood neglect. Typical adults will need to be guided by their true Self to feel genuine compassion and forgiveness.

Unaware and uninformed lay and professional people risk focusing only on the abandonment and its effects, rather than on the primary problems causing it (above) and how they affect the family system.

Adapting to Abandonment

A therapy client whom I’ll call Marvin came in to reduce a significant depression . Our initial inter-view strongly suggested he was had survived a low-nurturance (neglectful) childhood. He said that his son had just turned six – the same age as when Marvin’s father had left his mother and him to fend for them-selves. She never told him why his father left, so he had to invent his own explanations.

His wounded mother couldn’t provide a pro-grief home, so young Marvin repressed his normal feel-ings of confusion, anger, loneliness, and sadness. He said that for years he feared he had done some-thing that drove his father away. When I suggested that his “depression” might be long-overdue normal grief for his profound childhood losses, he said he felt “relieved.”

Over some weeks, I invited him to tell me how his father’s abandonment had affected him as a boy, man, and divorced father. As he examined and described that, normal emotions surfaced, including bouts of healthy tears and intense anger at both parents.

Marvin became interested in learning healthy grieving basics (Lesson 5) so he could protect his young son from blocked grief. As part of his own mourning, he decided to confront his mother about his father’s leaving and her “never talking to me about it.” He eventually stopped meeting with me as his “de-pression” gradually faded.

When an adult or teen abandons their mate or family, all members and close friends experience at least temporary stress from significant losses and family-system changes. Though details vary, there are several common personal tasks that family adults and kids need informed support with:

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admitting and grieving (accepting) a web of losses (broken bonds), starting with “making sense” of what happened, and why;
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self and mutual forgiveness;
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admitting and reducing excessive guilts and shame to normal;
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adjusting and stabilizing family roles, rules, rituals, loyalties, priorities, and identity;
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maintaining or improving the family’s nurturance level; and…
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reducing fear of re-abandonment to normal – specially in young kids.

These are all covered in this self-study course. The rest of this article focuses on options for preventing and…

Reducing Fear of Re-abandonment

The first step toward managing this powerful anxiety is…

Assessment

The effects of an early-childhood abandonment from a caregiver’s death or absence can be signifi-cant and long-lasting. They may be subtle and semi-conscious or obvious. It’s probably unrealistic to try isolating the effects of abandonment trauma from others caused by a low-nurturance environment. Com-mon symptoms of these stressors include…

__  many of these behavioral symptoms of false-self dominance;

__  many of these general symptoms of excessive fears; and several of these:

__  a history of approach-avoid relationships,

__  clear symptoms of codependence (relationship addiction);

__  an implied or acknowledged fear of commitment to a primary partner;

__  excessive possessiveness or control of a primary partner;

__  excessive jealousy and suspicion in primary relationships;

__  expecting to be “dumped” by the current partner, despite genuine reassurances;

__  unusually strong emotional reactions to stories of child neglect or abandonment;

__  strongly identifying with abandoned children or adults;

__  strong biases against – or reactions to – adults who abandon their mates and children;

__  inability to remember appropriate details of known childhood abandonment;

__  excessive social isolation or compulsive socializing; and/or…

__  other unique symptoms.

These symptoms don’t “prove” excessive fear of abandonment, but they suggest it. A normal defense against experiencing significant fear, shame, and guilts is reality distortions like denying and minimizing symptoms like these

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